On the Farm with Brian
Over the past three years I’ve experienced a lot of loss (I think in the past year and half we have all had that same experience). I lost a partner, several close colleagues (really, more like family than coworkers), and a parent. Admittedly, I’ve been very sad but also really angry. Angry at the universe, angry about the constant struggle…but mostly angry about feeling abandoned by the people I had grown to trust. I have done my fair share of Twelve Step style programs and lots of counseling and therapy, enough to know that this anger is very likely misplaced and those I feel it for are not at all deserving. Along with the anger came a certain amount of jealousy as well, that others were following dreams and “making it happen”, while all I was doing was sitting in fear, hoping that things would happen on their own. Not my finest moments…even though they were mostly just thoughts, nothing that I directed outwardly, toward individuals. Still…even thinking and feeling these things can, in my opinion, put negative energy out into the world and I don’t want to add to negative vibes.
So, today’s blog goes out as both a tribute and an apology to my very good friend, Brian Tattam, of Tattam Valley Farm in the Cowichan Valley on Vancouver Island. I was blessed to have this fine gentleman as a colleague, friend and, it has to be said, a member of my family, for more than 14 years. I write out the phrase “I accept change in all its forms” every morning, at the close of my journal. I try but, I have to be honest, change isn’t very easy for me. When Brian chose to take the next steps on his journey to realize his dream of going back to the farm and tendered his resignation I was devastated. Maybe it followed too close on the heels of my breakup or maybe my jealousy got the better of me but, I’m embarrassed and ashamed to say, I didn’t wish him well, I wasn’t happy for him. Awful, right? Unfortunately, I’ve stewed away about it for too long now. So, I wanted to revisit the farm this year and work on an attitude adjustment, my own.
Brian and I are the sort of friends that fall right into routines as soon as we are back together again. It’s such a gift. We love so many of the same things, retro clothes, music and the “yesteryears” of previous generations. We love to hike and be outdoors and always fall into an easy, similar pace on the trail. We love to “get fancy” and dress up in our finery and hit the town. Our sense of humour is similar and we generally needed to close our office door when we got talking and laughing at lunchtime, while in our teacher roles. It felt like a decompress to awaken to the sun streaming in the patio door and have him shuffle out in his robe and ask, “lemon water and coffee, mama?” As per usual, the day’s plan began with his prefacing, “Secretly, mama, we have some chores to do at the farm!” Of course we did! Irrigation had to be moved and veggies watered, berries picked for breakfast and a visit with the parents.
Honestly, as romantic as farming seems to me, I’m more of a hindrance than a help. I own that, I’m a city girl at heart. So, as Brian and dad set about the task of moving the irrigation I took some time to wander the property and take in the pastoral. Silence is truly golden, especially when you live on top of a new subway construction! I walked, I looked, really looked…like it was my first time on the farm. I found an eagle feather and Brian’s small stand of trees, that inspires both his photography and painting. I took shots of things that tugged at my creativity. At some point the tears came…my heart felt open! I let so truly happy for my friend, who had followed a dream to fruition. He took a risk, leaving a coveted art teaching position, an established routine and a solid friend group. He risked and won. He created an amazing small business venture, created a new set of routines and even found love again. Inspiring. The anger was gone, in its place is so much love and happiness for my friend. As well, what an incredible example of bravery and courage that I could follow on my own path to the new. ,
It’s important to forgive, to say you’re sorry and reflect on the reasons why…you gotta move on. Anger, jealousy, envy are ugly. They don’t feel good. I don’t feel them anymore. I do feel joy, for my friend and his dream. I feel inspired and excited, for him and his future and for me and mine. Just because we are far apart and following different paths it doesn’t mean that we still aren’t bound to each other based on the love of friendship, history and mutual interests and stories. We get each other’s guts, hearts…even if we don’t always say it or know how to express it. That’s the importance of community and being surrounded by like minds, we get it, deep down, on the inside, where it counts.
Comments
Well said my friend… now it’s your turn! I kiss working with you.
Miss
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Miss you too. Lonely in the office without you.
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I’m gonna do my best. Thank you for all you do and for being my friend.
Loved your blog about you and Brian, friendship and change. Our son is a very denial man and he gax very special friends.
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I’m lucky to have him as a friend. Thank you for always welcoming me into your lovely home and sharing farm life with me.