There is nothing I hate more than being physically not one hundred, especially when it’s limiting. The last two weeks have been so psychologically difficult. Pain is one thing but the limitations due to pain cause me to sink hard and fast. Compounding this is turning 57…not that this is any sort of milestone and I don’t really think much about my age in terms of limitations or as a detriment. Right now, though, it’s easy to get sucked into a vortex of self loathing and pity. Luckily I’m supported by good people and I’ve worked as hard on my head as my body in my 50s. Still, I woke up to no coffee, the worst, a heartbeat in my knee, like a toothache and the certain feeling that my 57th year is the beginning of the downhill slide to old age, canes, wheelchairs and suck. Oh, that bad, bad head…no good
Thank god for the inter web! You’ll rarely hear me say that but, in this case I got a good dose of head check. I follow a group on Instagram, Tactic Functional Nutrition, that never fail to have something logical, insightful and thought provoking to post on the fitness front. This morning was a brief video about reference points, in particular the ones that have us holding old versions of ourselves that were stronger, younger, thinner…whatever…up against, and in contrast to, the people that we are right now. It’s such a slippery slope, a sure and certain way to feel terrible and give up on ourselves. But that’s exactly what I’ve been doing the past couple days. It seems that it’s a conversation I’ve been having off and on with my friend group as well. All of us referencing our past selves and missing the now.
I had a heart to heart on a girls’ getaway recently that made my heart ache for my long time friend. This is a woman who is smart, successful, vital and has huge heart that draws people to her like moths to a flame. She is funny, beautiful and important to me. It makes me sad that her younger self, sexy, flirty, head turning little minx that she was, has become reference point by which she sees herself right now. It’s perception, isn’t it? And our own perception…because nobody sees anything except a beautiful, successful woman with great friends and wonderful life…just like people see me and think, strong, smart and creative. Why can’t we see what others see? Why is it so hard to just be here and now and not spend so much time referencing things from the past, as though it were so much better than where we are right now? Because this is just one more stop along the way, isn’t it? Is future me going to be referencing this me and holding herself hostage because she’s not that person anymore? I hope not. Back in my day…no thanks, LOL.
And so, I listen to my friend Caro this morning and I get my head straight. As I sit bemoaning my horrible life her words seep in, “These times are meant to be resets, reflect, reevaluate and come back stronger…it’s a time to be gentle and kind to yourself. You don’t have to go hard right now, that will come back soon enough…this too shall pass!” Amen. As I encouraged my bestie on our beach retreat, it’s time to drop the armour and the whip…there is a time to dig deep but there’s also a time to damn well let it go and just chill, be. One foot, slowly, in front of the other, be quiet, listen, ground myself in the sounds of the forest, a blue jay scolding an off leash puppy, a tree frog singing someplace close by…autumn is coming, mushrooms are springing up on the forest floor. The sun is shining, I am alive, strong and healthy. I will go slowly, I will be gentle, I will take care of myself with love and compassion and it will heal. This too shall pass and I will live to play another day.
Comments
Thanks for some insightful reminders as we age. Some days are definitely better than others but I try to find the good stuff in the very small things in my life. Take care.
Thanks for the reminders as we enter another stage of our lives. One thing that’s never changed is our support of each other. OX